Amazing Bond

I catch myself in utter amazement when I'm watching Katrina. Today, though, it was different. I wonder if all mothers feel it during the beginning toddler years. Its a separateness. I look at her and realize she is not me. She is her own person. More and More she wants to run away and play 'catch me'. and she wants to use her fork by herself. She needs to try to put her socks on before she'll let me help her. We're no longer as much one identity.

She crawls up on that couch. looks at me across the room. raises her arms in absolute delight! She DID IT! She is beaming! She knows she is separate and her little body is growing and can accomplish these big feats. New challenges everyday.

Our relationship now is like her favorite game of peek a boo. I'm there, but I'm not.

I am sooo much looking ahead for all that is to come. And I'm not really grieving for anything that is gone.

I am marveling as I realize my BOND with my daughter. I am in COMPLETE AWE. Perhaps I never believed we would ever feel attached in any physical way. But, as I so strangely feel this space between us now, its as if we once were.

9 mos.

Today, Our Katie is 9 mos. old. WOW. It has been amazing having her. She has grown sooo much. I mean, I guess that's an obvious. But, From that little babe we first met in the hospital until now. All the milestones. All those gazes, rocking her to sleep, the first smiles to the screams of excitement now. The LOUD babbles when she was first finding her voice. LOL. And now, she understands so much of what we say. It is all so amazing. So MUCH has happened in just 9 mos. BUT, I HAVE really tried to take it all in. I really tried to heed the advice of all the moms out there and enjoy EVERY moment. And there have been countless moments that have just awed us as new parents. In this regard, 9 mos. has seemed like a long time.

I also keep thinking that we have had her now just as long as her birthmom, firstmom, lifemother carried and cared for her. I am so eternally grateful that she loved her during and beyond those 9 mos to give her life. I will never know what 9 mos of pregnancy will feel like, let alone 9 months of pregnancy while making an adoption plan, but I am pretty sure it was not a fast 9 mos. I am willing to bet she was very aware of K. And felt very deeply all of the changes caused by her presence. I can only imagine. That is her story of our daughter. For now, things remains a one-sided conversation between us. But I suppose we have a connection much stronger than words.

flu

An oldie, but a goodie. This picture always makes me smile. :) Today, I feel like I have the flu. I ache all over, head to- well, ankles. But, I don't have the flu. Its fibromyalgia, I am told. It stinks. I am sore. When Katie cries, I think, ugh, ow. And I feel guilty. I want to lift her high above my head and make her giggle, but instead I get her where she needs to be. I am just not as fun a mom during these spurts. I am really not quite settled with this. I have yet to say the words, "I have fibromyalgia." (That doesn't count). I have said, "I've been diagnosed with fibromyalgia. "Its the fibromyalgia", referring to pain and aches and forgetfulness. But, I'm still waiting for a better curable diagnosis, one that goes away. Granted, if I DID have fibromyalgia, it wouldn't be THAT bad! Its not a death sentence. I'm NOT really SICK. Its just sort of an invisible annoying condition? that i feel like i should just get over already. Half the time i try to convince myself its real while i'm educating those around me that really it makes sense that I have it. I couldn't believe it had a connection to endometriosis, an actual disease! Oh, well, yes, i recognize my issues. :) Julie

"Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body. - Elizabeth Stone

Katrina looks like such a big girl now. She's 8 1/2 months already. She is crawling fast! and then pulling herself up with anything (couch, leg, lamp). Then, walking along the couch and now, starting yesterday, letting go, and standing on her own for about 30 seconds. She is soooo happy. The squeals she can let loose are just amazing and contagious! Its impossible to be in a bad mood around her! She is my biggest fan! She squeals so loud just because I entered the room! Only thing is, sometimes she cries when I leave. :(

She is waving now too- to us, mom, dad, and her 2 puppy brothers across the room, and whenever we enter or leave the room. We go for walks and she waves at all the dogs and talks to them. And then she just stares at all the people waving to her. lol. Its quite funny.

Well, Cuddlebug wants some attention. Guess i should go. I'm sooooo glad she is still a cuddle bug and lets us hold her bottle and rock her to sleep! Its amazing the bond. How much she totally and completely trusts us. This whole mom thing. Will I EVER be able to wrap my heart around it?